`sapph`ire__`

2005-12-31T20:48:00.000+08:00

As promised, I will post my reflective birthday post. But for now, you guys can access my new blog for next year's post. I'm quite proud of it because when I downloaded the original template from blogskins it was an awful white and grey which I effectively changed to red and black despite not having Photoshop and stuck with the handicaps of Paint. God. Someone pass me a good video editing programme too. I'm dying from a lack of techno know-how. Oh, and as a feedback, Firefox might be better than IE. I'm trying to adapt. As a temporary note: have a blessed new year.

2005-11-19T21:33:00.000+08:00

I'm posting as a reminder to myself not to always take life so seriously and remember to do crazy things once in a while. Not everything has to have a reason behind it and logic cannot be applied to everything. Very important moral - will play a significant role in my new fiction totally-crap-but-who-cares seres.

I'm thinking of this because I went to highlight my hair this morning. It was totally cool and I think I nearly drove the lady doing my hair nuts asking her all the chemistry questions. Now, this doesn't mean I like chemistry; applies to applications strictly. As long as we get that straight... Turns out I decided it's fun to try out a lot of new things. Highlighting my hair was definitely a first. Currently it has streaks of copperish-gold and green-ish blue though the blue isn't that obvious unless I'm standing under the noon sun. I know it was supposed to be purplish-blue but the lady said it would make me look too old so I figured, wth, she knows best. I kind of like the result myself, not just because I added colour to my hair but because I actually came through with the entire plan and not chicken-ing out at the last moment. New things add sparkle and colour (pun) to life - I think. Watched Discovery Channel the other night and this guy was saying we climb Everest for the simple reason that it is just there.

Proves that I was right all along, in a way. Studies isn't everything. Wonder how people will react to my coloured hair. For those who know me I don't like to attract attention, but I like doing things that break the stereotype people see me as. Like when I got my 3rd hole. Hopefully, by this hols, another 2, though I'm not holding myself to this one. We'll see how it goes. Sometimes I surprise myself.

BBQ at Mrs. Chua's house on Thursday was moderately interesting. Cornered Mian to discuss my new series, so sorry about that if you're reading this girl! Was high for the first half due to some inexplicable reason and started bouncing about with Jingy. This is all wrong. Later us bridge addicts sat together for a few good rounds in the function room. We lost interest halfway through and ended up watching The Rainbow Connection on tv, which I absolutely have to add, has no standard at all - the acting sucks, the dancing is all wrong, and worst, it has no plot!

Friday was the prize-giving thing. Shall not go into all the soppy details about how I'm going to miss this class: shall leave it to my last entry of the year when it is every faithful blogger's duty to write new year reflections. A somewhat terrible obligation. Anyhoo, shh, it's not a big deal but Yi Huang, Pei Shan, Pauline and I sneaked up to the clock tower or thereabouts. Let me tell you it was one freaky experience to be IN a ceiling and as both Shan and I have batophobia (fear of heights) it was quite alarming. Had to climb a couple of ladders, and the both of us took as many photos as we could of the place as well as the rest of the school. Will be posting up after I return from my NZ trip for those deprived kiddos who can't get enough of school. (Kidding, I think we all will miss NY in one way or another)

Next post will be about dance. Woot. Maybe on Monday or on Thursday after all the stuff I have to rush this week.

2005-11-14T08:57:00.000+08:00

*Do not read the following if you haven't watched Just Like Heaven as it contains spoilers*

Went out with my darling mother Ruth to watch Just Like Heaven today and it was totally great. Never in my lifetime have I ever trusted reviews and I'm glad I never did else I would not have discovered all the greatest books and movies of all time. Maybe that's exaggerating a little but some books and films really don't deserve the reviews they get, both ways.

Just Like Heaven is definitely a successful romantic comedy and somehow the thing about Elizabeth (Me, I know. A nice surprise I admit. Read the summary months back and forgot Reese Witherspoon's character was named Elizabeth. Her surname (Masterson) shares the same two first letters as mine. Quite amazing) being a spirit only serves to enhance the whole "sweetness" of the film, instead of making the lines all cheesy and faked like Must Love Dogs which was the ultimate romance comedy flop.

Elizabeth as an overworked doctor who has no time for anything else in her life. As she drives home one night to a blind date with one of her sister's friend's friend, she crashes into an oncoming truck. Change scene. David is this nice (thought admittedly not great-looking, his character kind of grows on people as he is quite endearing) man whose wife died of cerebral haemorrhage 2 years ago. He's been desperately trying to find an apartment in San Francisco but nothing pleases him because none of the homes have a nice couch on which he can vegetate on and waste his life drowning himself in alcohol (not a bad thing might want to try it myself one day) and hiding in his apartment.

But David starts seeing someone. (Great joke there director, kudos to you!) Seeing Elizabeth. Not that way. As his friend Jack (or JJ heh) puts it, he's hallucinating. Elizabeth (as a spirit) barges into his apartment and yells at him to leave, thinking he's the one with the mental problem.

The result of this ghost-human spiritual communication fiasco thing is that David and Elizabeth grow really close to one another (after all, they do live in the same apartment) and they don't feel at ease without each other. It turns out that Elizabeth is not dead yet, but in a three month coma and her brain activity is rapidly deteriorating. The climax of the movie comes when the doctor is about to pull the plug (I hate that phrase, sounds so clinical and inhumane...taking someone off life support is called pulling the plug?!) and David tries to get Elizabeth's body out of the hospital to give her spirit a little more time to try to "reunite" with her body. Unfortunately during the ensuing body-stealing Elizabeth's inhalator thing gets ripped off and...she stops breathing. The spirit Elizabeth starts turning all ghostly (It's pulling me away David! Fight it, Lizzy, don't go! I can't!) and David, as a last ditch attempt, kisses the body of Elizabeth hoping that the contact will bring her spirit back into her body. The spirit Elizabeth disappears and David gets pulled away. Beep...the green line on the moniter goes flat.

My heart stops beating, and I grip Ruth's hand. I think...stop it, she's not going to die...but I admit I was worried.

My fears are allayed...Elizabeth wakes up but...she can't remember David. (Do I know you? It's me Lizzy. Don't you remember him, honey? It's David. It's me.) David reaches out to touch her hand but she draws it away.) The moment was heartwrenching and I absolutely couldn't believe it (actually was expecting a twist or that sort). But the ending turns out fine anyway. They miss each other and though Elizabeth doesn't remember David she feels something missing. One day she returns from the hospital and goes up to her rooftop (yes she has one). Previously she mentioned to David (who is a landscape architect) she always wanted to have a garden up there but never had the time to do so. So...she walks up there, and lo and behold, there is a beautiful, gorgeous, whatever-you-like garden up there with a small swing, pavilion, fountain, walk and everything else gardens should be made of. Elizabeth still can't remember anything, but as David returns her the key to her apartment, their hands touch. In that brief cataclysmic moment, she remembers everything.

Wouldn't we all like to believe that fate has someone in mind for us? Hopefully.

2005-11-10T21:16:00.000+08:00

Been writing a new series, and right about now echoing in my thoughts are that of the protagonist. She keeps saying I'm so tired... and I'm wondering if it's true. There's really no reason for me to be like that. School is technically though not officially over, and I've been doing a lot of the things I've been wanting to do since term started at the beginning of the year. So...I should be thankful I survived everything, huh?

It's strange. I don't. Ms Teo saw me yesterday and she commented on how I was looking frazzled. At the time I was like "Huh?" But now I'm not so sure. I mean, I look at my list and most of the boxes are ticked. Movie. Tick. Shopping. Not enough, but tick. Playing MS. Tick, definitely. Reading till I get sick. Tick. Sleeping. Tick. Eating. Tick. Writing. All crap and sappy stuff, but for now, tick. Getting a camera. Tick. The undone stuff: dying my hair, piercing 2 more holes, stopping the nail habit, getting a guitar, doing really crazy stuff. And yet I don't know why I don't feel an urge to do those things. I keep telling myself to go and have fun, but I just want to sleep. Why does it feel like I've done everything that needs doing and none of the rest is important anymore?!?!

Actually I think I know the answer. I just feel so dead inside. Right now I wish this was a private blog, but no one reads so it doesn't matter. I want to sit and cry. Self-pity? I wish I knew. Probably...I don't know. One reason I don't blog so much is that most stuff end up as drafts. Who wants to publish something they'll regret? I keep telling myself I don't need to care, I don't have to care, and I shall stop the voice inside my head (turning multiple personality on you guys) that's yelling bloody murder. I thought I'd love the holidays, but guess what...I think I lost all my enthusiasm and passion. It's an important part of me; I want it back. I want the girl who loves everything and everyone in her life, not the girl with the bitchy attitude and cynical pessimistic outlook that brushes people away and keeps silent when people don't ask her along. Shit I'm going to cry. I want that part of me that loves life and wants to live forever and ever and ever, that piece of the jigsaw that I never knew was the cornerstone of the foundation that made me who I was. Please don't tell me I lost her. I've been hiding in my room and not going out...this week that everyone I know is enjoying life one way or the other. I feel like a fool. The last time I felt this way was when...well, I don't want to say.

Dammit. I don't even want to go to Ms Ng's "cooking party". Why? I don't want to see everyone so happy. It's really selfish and egocentric (another reason why I hate myself), but I don't even know why I'm hurting. Sometimes I feel a knife working its way inexorably deeper in my heart...and the funny thing is it doesn't come from the outside but from inside my heart. I believe they call the feeling like "your heart's bursting". I don't know. How long hasn't the phone rung? I'm a pathetic excuse for a human being. And yes. I do want someone to hug me right now.

Rain outside my window pouring down

What now, you're gone, my fault, I'm sorry

Feeling like a fool cos I let you down

Now it's too late to turn it around

I'm sorry for the tears I've made you cry

I guess this time it really is goodbye

I don't know what to do anymore. I've really let myself down this time. I'm so tired, and I shouldn't be. I don't jump and bounce up and down anymore. I'm losing me. How's that?

MCR - I'm Not Okay Listen, maybe you'll hear something.

2005-10-16T18:07:00.000+08:00

I love all of you! It's been a really bad day, not just because this post has been deleted twice already! Too cold to think straight and my feet are numb. Major headache the whole afternoon and I can't remember a thing. But kat woke me with a beaaauuuutiful wake-up call. Thanks so much ruth, denise, ps, sk, mian, kat, jingy, jc, for all the encouragement. Talking to you guys or reading your msgs have really made the sun shine on my wet weather. (ooh nice metaphor) The world still has nice people (: Ending soon...in 14 hours will be sitting for my last paper in NY. Thank God.

You had a bad day

You're taking one down

You sing a sad song just to turn it around

You say you don't know

You tell me don't lie

You work at a smile and you go for a ride

You had a bad day

The camera don't lie

You're coming back down and you really don't mind

You had a bad day

- in honour of my 2 deskmates who have been driving me nuts with this song. it's finally getting to me. & yes...the mtv is nice(: -

2005-10-14T10:49:00.000+08:00

I doubt that most of us have actually gone through such a trying and traumatic period before. Seriously, if the rest of my life is going to be like the past two to three weeks, I'd rather die a premature death. It's totally crazy. Every day was worse than hell, or at least my limited understanding of it.

The teachers are out to murder us and drive us to our graves.

Day 1: Language arts paper
Preparation for GP, they call it. Since when did we have to study for English before, for goodness sakes? I really think the SRQ freaked most people out, not to mention the long, awful comprehension on Language??? And for expo most people did a topic they didn't even prepare for. If I hadn't paid attention to that Minimata Bay thing & Chernobyl I'd have freaked out for environment. Who ever thought of combining it with science & tech? Enough said already. Thankfully, Ms Choo said most of us didn't do too badly. I guess I'll just have to wait till the paper gets back to us.
Day 2: Mathematics paper 1
Strange to say, I don't think the paper was really tough. Was just because it was the start of a whole long week of exams or what? No kidding. 5 minutes before the paper and everyone was totally losing it. It was bad, very bad. My nerves were so rattled only about a quarter way through the paper did I realise I couldn't do anything. Same for most of the class, I suspect.
Day 3: Chemistry paper
Down with Nah and Chew! Who cares if someone reads this, because frankly I don't care anymore. It doesn't hurt when you don't care, most of the time. I just breezed through the Chemistry papers because I didn't know the answers to practically anything. Didn't finish a major portion of the paper. Just last year I would have been freaking out, but this time things took on a whole different perspective. I aim to score a fifth of the total marks, and if I don't then maybe HCI will have to kick me out or put me on probation! Might be interesting to watch.
Day 4: Biology paper
*Shuts ears and pulls blanket over head* My heart is broken. (Ruth & Denise, stop laughing!) Doomed for essays and that stupid cresol red question. MCQ was horror.
Day 5: Mathematic paper 2
Yesterday I was filled with an immense sense of well-being. 2nd last paper. The week has taken eternity to pass. In fact, it isn't even over yet.
Day 6: Geography paper
Next week Monday. I haven't begun yet. Well, take things as they come, slowly. No point panicking, really.

I haven't been able to get a good night's rest ever since the exam period started. Don't ask why. I know they say we need to have enough sleep to be able to function and think properly this morning, but they kindly forgot about insomnia or something to that effect. Night before Bio I slept less than 3 hours. Night before Math paper 1 I dreamt about evil people (grey-haired matronly janitor ladies that went bad, crazy bishops with the whole religious get-up, scholarly professors that couldn't be trusted etc.) chasing me about the streets of London because I uncovered some archaic documents in some unknown archives room that told about how the first King of England was Catholic and not Protestant! Talk about intellectual bad dreams. The Crown Jewels were stolen and some random person was hung in the Tower of London. I distinctly remember having to hide behind some sofa so I wouldn't get caught by some evil traitor minister, and having to scale down the walls of this building in broad daylight, jumping from window sill to window sill in the likes of some comic book hero. Don't laugh. It wasn't funny then. (I just realised a lot of my dreams have to do with windows of some sort.) I need some better dreams that act more like dreams. The ones I've been having lately are bizarre and blown way out of proportion.

Just read James Twining's Double Eagle. Not bad, but definitely can't beat The Rule of Four or even The Da Vinci Code. In my opinion, everything was very obvious and the ending was kind of screwed because the good guys turned into bad guys without any plausible reason. The explanation was acceptable but I didn't like it because it was just thrown in haphazardly and no indication was given before in the book. The author needs to work on subtlety. The characters were sweet but a bit too stereotyped and very straightforward. They did whatever went along with their personality and as a result nothing too unpredictable happened. Action and mystery thrillers require some sort of allure and psychological play to them. Even the story of the 1933 Double Eagles wasn't well crafted to thoroughly explain the crazy coinhunt that ensued. Was it just the fact that the coins were supposedly worth 8 million each? Not enough. Or was it the pull of the gold? Okay... The plot needs more punch, or else even coin freaks will get bored. Just my point of view. Amazon has mixed reviews too. Anyone who reads it or has read it do drop me a line. I love to talk about books. (: Cruz Smith's Wolves Eat Dogs is waiting for me to finish the Geog paper. Great reviews for that one. Maybe if it's good I'll end up collecting the whole Arkady Renko series. Ah! I can't wait for exams to be over. All the catching up with the good books and even better authors. My human equivalent of idols. Kudos to them. And...and...writing! Can't wait to get started on The Imperfector because I think it's got an awesome plot better than some I've seen. (Ego) But it will probably be more character-driven, which is what most readers are looking for these days. The deep factor. I like.

Can't wait for exams to be over. Anymore of this and I'm going to start blowing chunks and howling at the moon.

2005-09-23T20:17:00.001+08:00

Emotional week. I've conveniently picked up some abilities and lost some. Like shutting my ears, going nuts (wouldn't you like to know), sleeping on my desk during recess, losing my cool, swearing at some spoilt sec 1 kiddies who are afraid of the rain!, & a zillion other stuff that I usually would not do because they are so stupid and shallow (that does not include sleeping on my desk during recess and going nuts). I'm practically offending most of the teachers...which will not work. Why do I care? I'm not sure if I do. If all the teachers know is to fail you when they don't like you, then I have no more faith in them. For goodness sakes, I try, but I'm sick and tired of being a good girl. I should stop having such high ambitions. I hate studying. I love learning. But I don't feel like I'm learning anymore. I'm going to get whacked for saying this. Heck.

I swear the whole world is insane. Study, study, study, study, study...... I'm trying to work out if I'm envious they are such absolute naturals at studying or because I suck at studying. Probably both. I have not started. Except for math, which I have to because of Mrs. Chua's drilling. And I shall start...if I feel like it, or not. I'm insane. They're insane. Or are they sane? I don't care anymore. 2 more weeks. After that, 2 more weeks. And then 2 more weeks till the end of school. I am not happy that school is ending. Neither am I happy that it is 6 more weeks till it ends. I'm a conflicted being, indeed. For crying out loud...

Just for the record, I need to put some very important things down, even if no one reads anymore. (Which makes sense, because unless I feel like posting deep reflections that I wrote while everyone else was studying, there is no need to.) Even if we freaking fail for these exams, hey, it's no big deal. Life goes on. And we won't fail in our overall results even if we fail for eoys. Seriously, if people want to study so hard, they might as well go and take 'O's, because as far as I can tell, there's this I-need-to-do-my-best syndrome going around. It's not wrong, in fact it's technically politically correct, but please, don't talk about it in front of other people. I used to make that mistake all the time, not realising how insensitive it is. I shall shut up about any progress in studying in the future. Wth. Just try. There's no pressure to do well. I don't need to take 4 H2 subjects in JC just because everyone else is going to do so. (The I-don't-wanna-be-left-out syndrome. This is being really cynical.) Not everyone is like that, but if we are, then we need to wake up. Stop trying to prove ourselves to everyone. Sometimes I feel like screaming, "Just f***ing put your books down!" I don't. But there's a reason I feel like doing so. Even if exams are around the corner, there is no basis for us to put everything aside for it. Am I wrong? Probably. But hey, this is my blog.

An interesting question to note: are people generally emotionally-strangled these days? It seems to me a lot of people don't know how to respond when other people are going through emotional turmoil. I look at my class, and I know. At least 4 people have told me they have no idea what to do when someone else is hurt or crying, and it's true. Somehow, we don't know how to react anymore. Something inside is turned off. What is it? How do we console someone? How do we help? How do we understand? How do we tell someone we love them and will always be there for them? Occasionally I see touching scenes of best friends reconciling after a quarrel, people hugging and cheering their friends on. We may not be able to empathise, but we can sympathise. When I see people crying in the toilet, with a huge circle of friends around them, I smile. I feel worried for those strangers, but at least I know there're people who will be there for them. What hurts me the most is when I see people crying alone. I wish I could go and give them a great big hug. Don't people see? That's what important in our lives, not all the freaking good marks or big bucks or damned fans... Have we lost our humanity? Where is the natural radar that tells us someone we love is in pain? Gone...is it gone? Let's learn to find it back. Want to thank Jingy for being there for me today. My dajie is not a natural at comforting people but she is oh-so-huggable, and I'm giving her credit because she's always there for me even if she doesn't know what to do. How to tell someone you love them even if you don't know how? This is my answer, the cureall that has worked every single time: just be there. Cliched? No. Because it works. Let's stop and listen. It works. Tell me if it doesn't, because I need to know. It's worked for me. Why shouldn't it for you? People don't care how well you do. They remember you when you have shown your love. (Yes, don't tell people you love them. Sometimes, you need to show it too.)

I should know. I have so many friends. But I'm still very alone. Alone in my thoughts, alone in my reflections, alone in my world. But at least I have friends, even if they don't always know what I'm thinking.

2005-09-20T02:08:00.000+08:00

It's currently 2.08am in the morning and I seriously couldn't sleep, which is totally nuts considering how I have to roll off the bed and hit the floor hard every morning to make myself get up. There's this constantly throbbing headache and the exposition I wrote earlier on this morning is reverberating in my head.

So I did what I do every time I can't sleep. I took out my old Primary 6 folder and started going through all the photos that I stuck in there some time throughout the course of my final year in NYPS. I think it sounds really strange because usually I avoid the whole being-in-front-of-the-camera thing like the flu, but I like my p6 photos. (: There's this whole nostalgic feeling and I really want to laugh and cry for all those little boys and girls that are growing up right now and trying to find their niche in the world. I always knew I was a sentimental person (haha, yeah right, maybe).

Note to self: start organising autograph book for people to write in.

Was also looking through my p6 and sec 2 autograph books, and it was all the deja vu stuff coming right back at me. People say that when time passes and gradually you forget everything that happened before, the times you remember are the good times, and not the bad. (Wonders if that means I've either got a really good memory or I bear a lot of grudges) I mean, obviously people are not as emotionally mature as they are now compared to a few years back, but the entries feel really stilted and everything is so strange.

2nd mental note: don't be stupid and act desperate (primary school thing, I know).

I plan to make the next few months in Nanyang the best ever since school began all the way back in...1993? Sad. Looking back makes me understand how far I've come character-wise and how much I love the people around me.

Since I am currently worrying about how on earth to write my personal statement when I have zero academic milestones in my life, I have decided to write an emotional milestone chart. If for no other reason, then it's because I can't sleep.

Psychological milestones in my life:
1998 and before: Not worth mentioning
1999: Really, really bad year! Funny, it was really a long time ago but the memories are fresh.
2000: My memory is not that fantastic, okay?
2001: Okay year.
2002: New school. Lousy year. If I may say so myself.
2003: Lousy year. Social moron and outcast. Depends how you look at it.
2004: New class. New barriers. Tough year, academically and emotionally trying. Changed dance instructor (which is technically a big change. Lim Mian nods.) Dance camp! Found my rebellious side. Very fantastic. :s
2005: Present. Found all my present loves. No big emotional breakdown, yet.

My life in a nutshell. (And for some of those weird people out there, no, the nutshell gets bigger once you're inside it. And for the nutshell collector, you know who you are, so don't go around collecting mine! (: Okay...)

This is a very confused and muddled entry. All one-liners and breaking all syntax rules. Whaddaya expect? 2.08 in the morning.

2005-09-17T15:05:00.000+08:00

Status: Incomplete

There's so many things in my life left incomplete. Seriously. I wonder when I have ever begun something and ended it well. By something I mean something meaningful, something significant. Heck the homework and projects. Those are minor victories, catch my drift? The world is one hellhole of unfinished things. For goodness sakes...I can't wait till my life is over and done with. Okay...so maybe I can wait. But it's so tiresome to be hanging around, doing nothing. About one-eighth to one-quarter of my life is gone; freaking slipping away. (oops all the bad words)

One serious question: what is worth doing...? Or does something need to be worth doing before we do it? I guess it's up to us to define.

Hope dangles on a string...
Like slow spinning redemption...

I remember sometime ago when I mentioned I was glad my life is finally going somewhere. Nothing has changed since then, and I know that everyday something new is going to happen. But I'd like to say that while I am going somewhere, it's tantamount to going nowhere, because I have absolutely no idea where I'm heading. They say not to worry about the morrow, because each day has enough troubles of its own. I'm not worrying, I just detest that empty, stagnant, lost emotions. Not only does it make me really bitchy and all those things, sometimes I get so worked up over small things. During those times, my head keeps telling me about how I shouldn't get mad because it isn't worth doing so, and how I shouldn't keep picking on the little details and minutiae intricacies of life, and my heart does try to listen, but the spinning emotions that spring from nowhere just confuses me and all I can do is try to remain as calm as possible.

I'm really thankful that so many people love me, even though I'm not worth all that. Just on Thursday we had Appreciation Day (corny as it sounds) and it was absolutely beautiful. I'm glad I got that chance to thank all the people that I wanted to, because sometimes we need to be reminded of how we've made a difference in other people's lives by just being who we are and being there for them. I'll really miss all you guys in 405. The two years we've spent together are really immeasurable and I think they've been the best years of my life even though everyone drives me nuts everyday.

Maybe I've got to learn to be thankful of the now. Like Ruth said in one of her free picks, "some dreams are always beautiful because they will always remain dreams". Some things are better left incomplete.

{Update: HCL prelims over! (:
Update 2: Changed blog template...again! Sometimes I get so bored. Anyway, for the people that know me, you guys will know that I don't really mean everything that I say. Just thought the worthless template was interesting. }

2005-09-04T13:54:00.000+08:00

Certain people have been grumbling about how I haven't been blogging, but in truth I thought the posts are rather frequent. Perspectives, ha. It would be nice if we could confirm whether Cleopatra was in fact Egyptian, Greek, African or even Chinese. Okay, so let's scratch the last suggestion. Apparently there is some visible conflict down there. It would also be nice if someone could explain why fish do not have rights. (Much thanks to Mrs. Tan and her Minimata Disease video that sparked off this debate, which isn't really a debate at all.) However, I do know that a small group of people have been recently contemplating becoming fish activists. The idea, though not wholly original, does make a bit of sense. As for Anything I want to be, well...let's just my enthusiasm has worn off and it's been reduced to one of those great ideas that I'm just not interested in. (It was supposed to be a fantasy piece. ugh) Maybe I shall continue in my own free time, but only maybe.

I hate the holidays. My whole life is a freaking study hall.

2005-09-04T08:37:00.000+08:00

I'm so...haha...excited. It feels like such an eternally long time since I felt that way. Cleopatra, Julius Caesar, Teachers' Day and even fish rights aside, that is. I'm having tuition in a few minutes time, but I thought I'd dropp in to say that I have decided to start writing fiction trash again. This bears some thought. I've written the prologue for my next series. It is so fascinating...! Other than shades of black, naturally. I think I'm rambling. The new series is called Anything I want to be. Shall post extracts here in the future, and then anyone interested can notify me and perhaps we can work out a new title or something to that extent. Ciao!

the reason

2005-08-25T22:17:00.000+08:00

The Reason

I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you

Sorry for snapping at some of you guys today. Emphasis on some. Incorrigible me: can't apologise to everyone, now can I? I guess sometimes I shouldn't expect people to...well, behave the way I do and think like me. Maybe how I handle things is right, maybe it's wrong, but I hate doing things the conventional way and it just sucks when not everyone understands. It's really my fault, so I'm not giving excuses. No reason, not the reason.

And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

Inappropriate song. I just like it anyhow. So...maybe I won't change who I used to be. Stubborn temperament + bad temper = really bad combination to face on rainy days. I think a lot of people hate me now, and maybe they don't, but somehow the possibility doesn't hurt that much after all. It only matters when I care about them, and who's to say I do? What the hell. Life's like that.

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That's why I need you to hear

Laughs. I'm not talking to anyone here. More me. Love-hate relationship: with myself. Definitely.

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you

Nope. No reason to change over. Looks like I'm stuck, huh? Just need to learn to stop (1) hating so many people (2) taking things so personally (3) blowing up so easily. What can I say? People just get into my bad books effortlessly. I shall try to do something about that. Maybe. And I'm going to give myself credit that I'm going to try to try. Because frankly, I don't care what a lot of people think about me. Only those that I care about, like I said before. Wow, cool. I did not just say what I think I did. Who cares.

Painful, really. Depressing entry. Conflict of interests and emotions. Sums it all up. At the present. Life sucks. Can't say for the future.

love is in the air

2005-07-31T09:33:00.000+08:00

Nah, not really. To tell the truth I couldn't think of another title. But it's certainly true for the two newlyweds Dr and Mrs Jason Charles Ingham! *cheers* Their wedding was just spectacular in CHIJMES, what with all the stained-glass windows and everything. And Ms Ng was gorgeous. Now I really think that brides truly do look their best on their wedding day (makeup aside). When we saw her walking up the aisle, having the vows read, exchanging the rings, and finally kissing, it was just so awesome that I seriously suspect half of us were in tears. Sigh. The food at the reception was good. I believe that currently everyone who went to the wedding wants to get married at CHIJMES too. Thoroughly amused.

And I don't want to get started on the dinner at Four Seasons (!!)...okay, actually I do. All the bigshots were there, including Mdm Mak, Mdm Chew, Mrs Seah, Mrs Chua etc. There were I think...about 8 tables for NY people. *grins* Other teachers include Mrs Ting, Mr Derek Tan, Mr Kuo, Ms Yeo, Mr Khoo, Mr Kuo, Mr Shone, Chen laoshi, Mrs Shirley Lee and many, many more that I can't remember. Oh well. Despite some people singing the praises of lobster bisque, personally it was too rich for a poor mere mortal soul like me. But...the mousse! *rants incoherently* Rich. Fine. Thick. Heavenly. Everything. I don't care. I almost think I died and went to heaven. It was that good. And in between, the couple made some very sweet speeches (while Mr K was behind me and making certain remarks that were occasionally funny) and the entire scene made a lot of people want to get married soon. Somehow one just cannot not feel envious of newlyweds.

Descriptives aside (I'm really bad at them), love is such a wonderful thing. When God puts two people on earth together and they make that commitment to be together for the rest of their lives like all the couples before them all the way back till Genesis and further, it makes one feel that love is truly the one ingredient in this brew of life that can solve all problems, cure all hurts, and right all wrongs. Maybe.

1 John 4
In this is love perfected with us, that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so are we in this world. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and he who fears is not perfected in love. We love, because he first loved us.

I am one of those cynics that think that marriage brings more troubled waters than that which existed before. Who knows? I don't question others' beliefs on marriage. They tell me I don't know enough. Yeah, okay, I understand that. So till then I stand on neutral ground. But one thing I do know is that I am held forever in God's loving hand, and boyfriend or no boyfriend, husband or no husband, no one can remove me from His fortress of love.

1 Corinthians 13
Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends; as for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. For our knowledge is imperfect and our prophecy is imperfect; but when the perfect comes, the imperfect will pass away. ... Now I know in part; then I shall understand fully, even as I have been fully understood. So faith, hope, love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

Amen.

Youth Day!

2005-07-10T12:53:00.000+08:00

Just dropping in to note down that 405 officially raised S$470.00 for charity during Youth Day's funfair. 405 forever!

To love you more

2005-07-09T14:22:00.000+08:00

Take me back in the arms I love
Need me like you did before
Touch me once again
And remember when
There was no one that you wanted more

Don't go you know you will break my heart
She won't love you like I will
I'm the one who'll stay
When she walks away
And you know I'll be standing here still

I'll be waiting for you
Here inside my heart
I'm the one who wants to love you more
You will see I can give you
Everything you need
Let me be the one to love you more

See me as if you never knew
Hold me so you can't let go
Just believe in me
I will make you see
All the things that your heart needs to know

I'll be waiting for you
Here inside my heart
I'm the one who wants to love you more
You will see I can give you
Everything you need
Let me be the one to love you more

And some way all the love that we had can be saved
Whatever it takes we'll find a way

I'll be waiting for you
Here inside my heart
I'm the one who wants to love you more
You will see I can give you
Everything you need
Let me be the one to love you more

-----

The 2nd number for dance night it so...for lack of a better word...sad. There's so much intangible angst and longing in the song that its haunting me like a plague. And yet its so beautiful that I want to listen to it over and over again, and just lose myself in it. What is it about unconditional love that seems to be able to reach across the years and touch our hearts? The pain. The desperation. Of lost love.

Thinking about blogging

2005-07-04T20:48:00.000+08:00

I have been thinking of blogging. And so I did. I continued thinking of blogging. And I did. I continued to think of thinking of blogging. And......

So I didn't blog. It's been interesting, to say the least. Initially I thought I would get around to blogging about the stuff that's been going on in my life for the past few months: green clothes hunting, ms ng's farewell bbq, restless 2, dance, sias...and so on and so forth. It's with some regret that I report that that idea no longer appeals to me so I have emphatically come to the conclusion that I will not. Most likely.

4th of July. Youth Day and Independence Day. Nice day to pick to start writing here again. Oh well. I think.

2005-04-29T20:33:00.000+08:00

I Still Believe in Me - Fame

I thought i had it this time
I thought the dream would be mine
hoping to fly I thought
oh how I just didnt care at all

coz when you dont care
you dont cry
it wont hurt if you dont try

but i still believe in all of my dreams
and all that i can be
I'll learn from mistakes do all that it takes
to make it eventually
coz i still believe in me

I'll find an unbreakable heart
to help me get through this far
and i swear ill never rest
till i am standing up there with the very best

no one knows no heart that won't break and
some times its a heartache

but i still believe in all of my dreams
and all that i can be
I'll learn from mistakes do all that it takes
to make it eventually
coz i still believe i still believe

I still believe in me
but i still believe in all of my dreams
And all that i can be
I'll learn from mistakes do all that it takes
to make it eventually
coz i still believe
still believe
yes i still believe in me

funk!

2005-04-28T21:43:00.000+08:00

Dance. Can one word take my breath away? It can.

I felt like I've reached the utmost pinnacle of emotional high. I am still spellbound in an indefinite spectre of a nameless world...maybe it's true that sometimes, on this earth true bliss does exist. Could it be?

Dance was spectacular earlier on today. Beautiful, even. The complete contrast between the two totally different genres just about catapulted me towards the highest heavens. It's not that I don't love ballet and contemporary dance, because I do...but their polished crystalline refinement just occasionally throws me off because I'm far from perfect and yet I don't really want to be. Not my thing, really. But...funk! ...New word, new style, new everything. The music! It ripped my heart apart with its rawness and life! Thanks, yunning dear for the compliment! I think we're all hooked on the dance (for now at least). Love it, and live it.

I'm going hysterical and am beginning to reiterate myself. Anyway... Modern dance rawks my world! Night of dance! Love you guys!

2005-04-20T20:04:00.000+08:00

I'm looking forward to dance tomorrow. Funky! Maybe I won't feel so enthusiastic about it if Mr. Raj starts imposing on us the good ole regimental push up reward/punishment system once again, but I seriously suspect I need it. The thing I'm really looking forward to is to see all of us dancing once again together. One soul, one heart, one passion: dance! What I don't feel so fervent about is that the sec 1 juniors will be coming. No, don't get me wrong, there's nothing terribly awful about that. But somehow the sensation doesn't feel too...well, nice...

And we're all getting busier these days. Chinese test next week has over 10 chapters. Utterly ridiculous because that's like a third of the syllabus. (Did I mention my memory is not entirely functional?) Chemistry test: shivers at the thought. No way. Looks like I'll have to hit the books sooner or later. I'd much rather later.

Was surfing the net earlier on and found some of my ex-classmates' blogs. It's awfully interesting to realise that you can get reacquainted with people without them realising it. Cool! And then again...pretty dangerous. How would you like a stranger to read your thoughts? Uncomfortable, I guess.

And finally, to my dear darling mama Ruth, don't feel too sad about the math. This miniscule detail won't change your wonderfully blessed life and don't you dare to forget that! Or I'll chop off your head and carry it off to HCI with me. (Kidding!) I love you lots. *hugs.

bronze

2005-04-17T16:08:00.000+08:00

Bronze.
Never in our wildest dreams. No way.

NYMD has never been bronze material, and neither are we now. Gold doesn't tarnish. If those freaking blind judges want to expose how remarkably sightless they are, well, they are bloody well welcome to. (I am a strong believer that if you want to say anything, you should say it.) The world has seen evidence of how pathetic people can get. And I don't think they have any idea how much hurt they've caused and they're probably sleeping snug and tight in their beds while the rest of the world suffers; lost in the endless abyss of dire disbelief.

It sucks when you know that no one else really understands. I mean they can try, but in reality, we're left to face this alone.

To all my dance-mates, I want to give you all a great big hug. We can't lose faith in ourselves; not now, not ever. People may doubt our ability to dance, but we cannot do the same. Sometimes some things happen for a reason, and I guess all we can do is to try to accept that we will never know the answer to some questions in life and move on.

The tide of time will wash away the pain,
All sin, all blood, all tragedy that taints
Wounds were not meant to leave a bloody stain,
Lest they seize us and become Life's bane

ms chan

2005-04-12T00:11:00.000+08:00

---dancing with the feet is one thing, but dancing with the heart is another---

This has got to be the most number of times I've actually blogged in a single week. The main reason is that I can't concentrate on any work now that syf edges closer with each passing second, and for a change, I can really feel it.

Having dance practice everyday since last wednesday hasn't helped much on the nerves part of me. Seriously...what's the point of polishing everything till it reaches a state of perfection? There's only so much we can do and I say it's time to give the dance a rest. It's like, when your loved one is going to leave you and going to a better place, there's only so much love and cherished time you can spend with that special person, and as the day approaches, emotionally you just have to let go. Not saying that the dance is dying or anything, but likewise let's just wait for that one moment to give it our all. Now is simply not the time to get everyone panicky and anxious that we can't it.

It was awfully sweet of Ms Chan to drop in today on us to give us feedback and encouragement. Sometimes we tend to forget that there are people who are thinking of us each day and praying for us. I feel truly reassured that maybe some kind soul out there may one day feel compelled to pray for me if God wants him/her to. Though of late I have been (not very wise on my part indeed) somewhat indulging in self-pity when I wander about aimlessly wondering why on earth no one calls me, at least (especially now) I am aware that whatever happens to me I'm still in Go'd safe and loving arms and He'll always be watching out for me wherever I go.

Now that I mention it, He'll be watching over us when we have our syf, as he will for all the other schools. It's up to God now.

...2 more days to syf...

2005-04-08T22:58:00.000+08:00

Thinking about time can mess with your senses. Believe me. Relativity of time, past, present and future, complexity of time-related issues (enough of time-travel already!), not to say the least how much can change within a short period of time...then again that depends on your definition of "short". Life is wholly different from even just a week ago, not to mention a month. I've grown further from some, and closer to some, and had struggles with myself over some not-so-trivial things. Yet every time I find myself wandering down the meanders of life's river tributaries I keep wondering when I'll ever find the true river itself that leads down to the wide, blue, vast ocean somewhere out there. Like they say...time will tell.

Syf dance was fantastic during today's practice. What can I say? Raj says if you respect the stage, it will respect you. I've got loads of respect for that freaking scary elevated wooden floor, I can tell you that much. But the energy generated during the last few dances was so suffocating I just don't see how anyone could possibly be getting exhausted. Man, talk about getting high. My mind was just fixated on that one word that is plaguing me right now: dance. Dance! And again, and again, and again. Dance! ...... Oh goodness what wouldn't I do to have syf over asap (actually not really...I think I need the next practice, which is like, tomorrow!) My nerves are wearing thin on me. Not to mention that awful pain that feels like a needle stuck in my foot. Lucky for me the music was louder that my curses and screams, or the whole thing would have sounded like a horror movie of the sadistic sort. It's better now.

If your crossings in life aren't successful
There's only so much you can do
Just keep up the spirits and lead life joyful
Who knows? It may actually work for you

Monotony

2005-04-03T19:03:00.000+08:00

Am terribly busy and buried under a pile of overdue work. Life is good. Even if I'm busy. A little disappointed in myself for slacking. Not really. For falling sick when I'm not supposed to. Under the weather. Exactly. Now struggling to catch up so Ruth doesn't nag at me no more because I haven't finished my work. (Sorry ma!)

SYF just around the corner. 10 days actually. Worried. Lilin says dress looks like Spiderman costume. I thought so too, but that's fine with me. Waiting for Friday's rehearsal to come, so I can verify that I'm in the correct places. Nice of Mr Raj and ACJC to give us that one hour. Thanks. Nervous that I'll crash into the curtains and cause us to lose marks. Judges un-personified: heartless blocks of stone. You blocks, you stones, you worse than senseless things! Scared that I'll trip on my skirt and fall. Mr. Raj's reassurances are not reassuring. I figure that if we have it in us to get a gold, we will. If we don't, that we don't. It's too late to freak out and panic. Thankfully I haven't yet.

Life goes on with un-monotonous monotony, and the only constant thing is un-constancy...

sec 4 lifeskills camp

2005-03-12T20:23:00.000+08:00

Ahh...sec 4 lifeskills camp absolutely rocked! Isn't that amazing when I expected it to be totally boring and dull from the first? Talk about an open mind!

Technically there were some parts that made me fall asleep...like the dining etiquette course as well as the makeup one, but we did great for all the rest like the inter-class games and the games in Pasir Ris Park!

4/5! 4/5!
We'll make you believe
We'll make you believe
That we rock, we groove to the beat
We'll drop it like it's hot
Drop it like it's hot
Cause you're not, yeah
Can you hear us? 4/5!

In this camp was so much dancing! All the spontaneous outbreaks of Indian dancing (Shaava Shaava!) as well as disco-like dancing after the gala dinner were so incredibly fun! Woo hoo...Vanessa rocked, didn't she?

We've got the moves, we've got the groove
We've got the punk, we've got the funk
We're gonna hit you, with all that spunk
Cause that's the way, uh huh uh huh
We like it, uh huh uh huh
Cause that's the way, uh huh uh huh
We like it, uh huh uh huh
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
We're gonna fight on... Fight strong!
Gonna be there, when you're gone!

The big event, gala dinner, that everyone was either looking forward to or dreading was not as spectacular as I had expected (either way). I mean...we were treated like royalty and everything, but the food took a long time to come and the atmosphere was kind of tense; what with all the etiquette rules to observe and proper "formal" way to behave. Everything was too restrictive to me! What a relief when everyone started to go crazy and dance like mad (Pauline, Lisa and Xi An)! I've decided that that was one funky night!

Who is the king of the universe? *Hoo ga hoo ga*
Who is the king of the sea? *Ba la ba la ba la*
Who is the king of the universe, the jungle and the sea? *Ba la ba la ba la*
4/5, 4/5, 4/5 is the king...
We are the king of the universe, the jungle and the sea. *Ba la ba la ba la hoo ga*

Guess I forgot that what matters is not the camp but the people together with you during the camp. A big hug from me to all 405ers!!! To Yawen, Melissa, and Hui Ying, thanks for being the best roommates I have ever had for any camp! And to the rest of the class: Genevieve, Lim Mian, Jia Lin, Li Lin, Yi Li, Pauline, Pei Shan, Yee Chien, Jingwei, Kai Ying, Yeen Seen, Lisabel, Vanessa, Lisa, Xi An, Tracy, Qingyan, Tammy, Jessica, and Yi Huang, you guys were absolutely fantastic throughout the entire camp and we rocked during the dance competition! Not forgetting Ms Ng who looked gorgeous in her dress during the gala dinner (actually we all did, haha)! *Jumps about* I can't believe we got 1st! Thanks to Ms Ng for letting us in on the ranking bit! :) We received 10 marks higher than the class that got 2nd! Wow! 3 cheers for 405! Love all you guys and I truly believe it'll be a great year ahead! :D

Listen to us when we sing
We'll tell you everything
About the friendships that we forged
Listen to us when we sing
Spirit and valour we bring
To get through everything
Da da...
We are from 4/5
The greatest class alive
When we sing
We'll ease everybody's minds
With passion and resounding faith
We're proud that we are
From class 4/5
United we stand
We'll see it through...

Class photos uploaded to
http://community.webshots.com/user/emyy89/

Reminiscences

2005-03-03T17:45:00.000+08:00

I've been feeling thankful that I'm in sec 4. I guess for me, in a way, sec 3 was the bridging period between kid and adult. Everything in my life seemed so stagnated and I was floundering in the midst of the usual confusion of identity crisis and other things like that. Now, this doesn't mean that I've reached mental maturity as far as my standard for things like these go, but at least I'm moving on and going somewhere. I can finally say that I'm looking forward to the next day, and whether it is filled with sorrow or bliss, it doesn't matter, because at least it won't be a day where nothing happens and whilst time just moseys away. Gone are those days, and good riddance!

Was just listening to the old "Bring it all back" song that we did in dance camp, and was thinking how appropriate it was:

"Don't stop, never give up
Hold your head high and reach to the top
Let the world see what you have got
Bring it all back to you
Hold on to what you try to be
Your individuality
When the world is on your shoulders
Just smile and let it go
If people try to put you down
Just walk on by don't turn around
You only have to answer to yourself
Don't you know it's true what they say
That life, it ain't easy
But your time's coming around
So don't stop tryin'
Don't stop, never give up
Hold your head high and reach to the top
Let the world see what you have got
Bring it all back to you
Try not to worry 'bout a thing
Enjoy the good times life can bring
Keep it all inside you
Gotta let the feeling show
Imagination is the key
'Cos you are you're own destiny
You never should be lonely
When time is on your side
Don't you know it's true what they say
Things are sent to try you
But your time's coming around
So don't you stop tryin'"

Tis so true.

2005-02-11T13:49:00.000+08:00

Hey I'm back finally to blog. CNY has been a sort of reflection time for me, and considering that I have about 5 days to reflect about my life, I ought to think it is sufficient time.

Everyone is having fun these few days, whereas I'm stuck at home with my parents hounding me to study for tests or to go out and visit people that I hardly know. It kind of defeats the purpose, doesn't it? Seeing people who don't even like to speak to you, I mean. Just last night I went to my father's sister's house for dinner. My cousins, who are around at least 5 years older than me, still treat me like a kid even though like I'm turning 16 this year. When I had enough of being ignored, I went to a corner and sat down to read (relapse into anti-social behaviour but I don't care). Next thing I knew, my aunt was ribbing me about how I should talk more and not close everything around me out. Fine, so I put down my book and try to listen. Thinking someone started talking to me? Think again. I was promptly ignored for the rest of the night. Brother!

I called Sze Khee last night and it seems her family was out for a night of fun playing golf. Was I envious or what? It seems I can't even connect with the people in my family, and to tell the truth, yes, I'm probably a true loner at heart. My ambition is to travel around the world as a photojournalist and live in emotional seclusion. How's that for a 16-year-old's ambition?

To make matters worse, I just dialled Lim Mian (who I've been trying to reach since CNY began), and she's out with her bunch of friends (who happen to be my classmates too, okay...) visiting each other's houses. Now, I don't mean to sound resentful or anything (I probably do), but I'm back to the problem of why whenever people want to do something they don't include me, and whenever I want to do something people don't want to go with me.

I'm miserable and I've had enough of being ignored. Fine, I admit it, I'm thoroughly jealous and wondering bitterly why I don't fit in anywhere I go.

2005-02-03T23:48:00.000+08:00

Life has been exceedingly hectic recently. Even as I talk (so to speak, type rather) I'm studying for Geography test that I am oh-so-unconfident about. Never mind about that (Mr. Kelvin Tan was awfully nice to let me take the test tomorrow anyway). Nonetheless the list of things-to-do keeps getting so stretched that I'm starting to panic! What with school, dance and tuition, I hardly have any time left to rush all those worksheets, essays, SIAs, and reflections (groan)...much less spend time to put up CNY decorations and sleep. Maybe that's why I fell ill yesterday.

On the other hand, I don't ever recall having been so wonderfully satisfied being busy. Life has been so full to the utmost extent that I don't have much time to worry about things that aren't really my concern anyhow.

I'm sure most people were crestfallen that Mr. Raj didn't turn up for dance today. Hey, it's okay; we still have what it takes to dance. I apologise for having to add as well that I felt somewhat disappointed in someone. Chances are she won't be reading this entry of mine. When someone changes it's something you don't really want to admit. Reality is hard to face up to.

Now only stillness reigns
The trees, the fields, dwell in silence
The nightingale no longer sings
The moon, the stars, do their penance

Where has all the laughter gone?
The joy, the peace, the air once bore
Where's the flame that fiercely shone?
The love, the faith that surged ashore

2005-01-14T20:42:00.000+08:00

In contrast to the previous week, I'm left feeling saddened and strangely numbed by recent realisations that remind me what life is really all about. It's one of those times you begin to feel sorry for yourself, but in my case I think it's thoroughly justified.

Lamentable as it seems, I've never ever (not in the years that count) had a best friend in my entire life. It's just that technically people ask me for help when they need it, and they seem to forget I even exist when they don't need me anymore. They come to me with stories of who so-and-so hurt their feelings and how everything appears to be over, and then I have to console them and stuff, and afterwards their troubles are resolved and I'm felt out in the cold again. I might even venture to say, "Woe is me..." (Irony, irony...) During class breakfast just a few hours ago I happened upon a realisation that hit me in the face. My class has an few cliques and I don't belong in any of them. Or like the role that Mian played in The Cagebirds – a permanent floater; comfortable where I am but I never really belong. Either people don't need me, or they don't accept me, or they totally ignore or reject who I am. Blame it on basic human insensitivity because they don't remember that people who don't seem to need a friend actually need them the most, thank you very much. (coughs)

If I died tomorrow, heck, no one in my class would care much. Or maybe they would...for a while, then oh well life goes on and 10 years later... "Who's that girl always in the corner of the class photo? Oh yeah, she died before we graduated...terribly sad...what was her name again?" Ha, ha and ha again.

If you hate me I don't care, because I hate myself. I think only God loves me, and other than that the rest is probably out of obligatory parental duties of some sort. So forgive me when I say that my life is totally rotten and someone please save me before I go nuts. I don't have dance (because I suck at it), I don't have music (because my guitar is ruined and I don't have enough savings to get another), I don't have books (because my parents don't allow me to read whenever I want to), I don't have writing (because I don't have any inspiration when I'm not inspired), I don't have real friends or a place where I belong (because, I don't know why...you tell me), I don't have almost everything I need or want and hence I conclude that my life (as far as this week is concerned) is a mess. God help me...seriously... [sorry if I sound terribly bitter or something]

2005-01-13T23:28:00.000+08:00

Fyl: This blog is strictly produced under the rights of ElizabethSzekheeLimmian.

Goodness! We had audition for SYF today. After optional humanities (Sze Khee – History, Mian & Eli – Lit), we reached the dance studio half an hour late, only to discover the harsh reality of life as it is. Within half an hour, we had to learn the steps of a new dance routine, know it really well (timing, coordination, bonding and stuff) and perform it as if we were really displaying our SYF piece to the judges on the 3rd of April this year. Seniors have fears too, and that is a very realistic fact that we're really sorry we have to share. This being our last year, we want it to be really memorable for ourselves as well as for our juniors. The audition started with Liu Qian's group, and unfortunately for us, we were one of the later groups and had to be stuck outside practising and nurturing our fears (something we don't really encourage). Up to the now, the results for the auditions aren't out yet, and that makes it really difficult to go about the normal stuff like work and projects. Only 25 will be selected out of the 38 people present! However, we really want to thank Yun Ning, Felicia and Chit who cheered us up and tried to calm our fears. Merci juniors!

Later the 3 of us went to Eli's house to make sandwiches (sardines, ham and cheese) for class breakfast the next morning. In her room, we had a mini dance-a-thon, and it was so thoroughly enjoyable we forgot the time! Sk came up with this really crappy, stupid action holding one biscuit stick in each hand that made us laugh until we were rolling on the ground and crying. We tried this action of biscuit-biting in all the dances that we learnt, with seriously hilarious results. (Do us a favour and imagine yourself doing something like that.)

We came to some interesting conclusions today: Maria's mum is Maria, Lim Mian can go work in a factory that manufactures sandwiches, Sze Khee can go be a working mum who cooks really well, and Eli should go and be Mian's manager. Here's to fate and everything that made friendship on this earth possible...for some friends were meant as acquaintances, others were meant to stay for a season, while the bare minority live on in your hearts forever. Life is good – for now.

*A side note from Elizabeth: Literature was really cool! I found out a lot more things about the way Shakespeare wrote his Elizabethan dramas and the iamb pentameter thing is amazing. (A horse, a horse, a kingdom for a horse!) It seems we'll be going down to Kinokuniya later this week to buy the books and notes.

Tri*bute

2005-01-08T22:49:00.000+08:00

All in all it's been a thoroughly long week, though I can say with some degree of certainty that I am looking forward to the next. So many things have changed within the course of 7 days that I'm terribly amazed at the remarkable speed God can alter parts of my life, and that only serves as a reminder of how unpredictable life is. I'm in a new class, surrounded by classmates to whom I last year have exchanged a comparatively lesser number of sentences, changed my Geography teacher, had loads of work piled on me, opted for an optional Humanities (under Genevieve and Ms Ng's influence! :)), took my Math supplementary paper, danced for 5 out of 7 days, and pierced my 3rd and (very likely) final ear-hole. (As regards to what happened during the course of the piercing, refer to Sze Khee's or Lim Mian's blog. The entire incident was utterly amusing and ended with my startling reply of "Erh, nothing leh..." to their queries of whether it had been painful.)

I would like to end with a tribute to people that I would like to say thank you to this week. Ms Ng did that with us during PCCG and I thought it was cool! :)

My class 405:
I look forward to spending another year with all you guys! I think our class has the potential of being really cool only if we try to come out of our cliques more often. The atmosphere in our class this year somehow seems more relaxed and less tense, and let's hope it stays like that. :) Due to the drawing of lots, I somehow ended up being seated with people that I never expected to sit near to, but I've a feeling it'll turn out just fine (*prays hard). Everyone in our class well and truly rocks in their own way, and it's a good thing too. All of you have been a great blessing to me and seeing as we're going to be schoolmates for the next 3 years, let's cherish the time we have together. :)

My fellow NYMDancers:
Like, wow! I'm so proud of all my peers and juniors (suddenly I realised I don't have any seniors no more) and we've all matured in dance as well as in spirit! NYMD will feel weird without any single one of you, and if one day I happen to walk pass you without saying hi or waving, just remember I'm short-sighted and have a fear of recognising the wrong person! (I'm not joking, throughout the course of last year I mistook someone else for my own FATHER at least 3 times.) Hope to get to know all of you better, and forgive me if sometimes I go slightly wild during dance practice because I'm just like that. (I can see Xue En and Chit smiling if they read this.) And to all sec 4 MDancers, the last of the pioneer batch, Lim Mian, Sze Khee, Jolene, Marlene, Regina, Liu Qian, Qing Yi, I love all of you guys lots and don't worry about SYF because we CAN DO IT! :) We can and we will!

To all those who have helped me in the past:
Big hugs because you know who you are! Special thanks to Sze Khee, Angel, Lim Mian, Genevieve and Jolene, whom I've known for the past 3 years and will continue to know better in the next 3. Thanks for putting up with all my antics and giving me the chance to learn who I am.

To all fellow Christians:
God bless every one of you and delight in Him and His ways! God's love is everlasting and eternal. Amen to that!

And finally to everyone out there, strangers or not:
Your life has a purpose and may you continue to work towards discovering it! Living life without LIVING is no life at all, so live while you can and I want to say I love all of you and may your life be fulfilling to the utmost degree!

2005-01-06T23:12:00.000+08:00

tonight is what it means to be young
let the revels begin
let the fire get started
we're dancing for the restless and the broken-hearted...
let the revels begin
let the fire get started
we're dancing for the desperate and the broken-hearted...

dreams abound
rejoice and sing
love-a-shimmer
will never wane

'In the course of my career, I've been in war and I've been through a number of hurricanes, tornadoes and other relief operations. But I have never seen anything like this,' US Secretary of State Colin Powell

//Disenchantment

2005-01-05T21:03:00.000+08:00

It's been dreadfully hectic the past 2 days, and seriously I think it's going to get worse by the looks of it. Since Ms Ng has been emphasizing on the importance of "Multiple Perspectives" and "Interconnectedness", I'm going to try and make it a habit to employ these (what I presume are) habits of mind.

They're already unloading huge chunks of projects on us, and just listening to the lectures make me what to bury my head in the sand like the ostrich supposedly does (haven't seen it myself, thank you very much). Though I'm quite enthusiastic about the writing portfolio and oral tasks for Language Arts SIA, hearing Mr. Nah drone on and on about Quantum Mechanics and (is it correct?) SPD orbitals gets on my nerves and I am seriously questioning the need for matrices. It makes me wonder why I wasn't informed that they're bringing A Level subjects down for us to study while shifting some O Level topics up to JC and why we weren't told when we signed up for IP that there's PROBABLY GOING TO BE A COMBINED EOY EXAM WITH TCHS! However good that may do us, I assure everyone I'm quite prepared to yell bloody murder (excuse the expression, I'm feeling flustered) if they decide to raise the MSG passing mark to 2.0. Even we 167 girls, hypothetically the so-called "cream of the crop" (which I am definitely not), cannot pass that ridiculous benchmark. [Serious question: if we don't pass, where can we go?] As for multiple perspectives, I guess if I manage to pull through I will have learnt plenty about myself, work and other things that I don't feel like considering right now. Life would be easier in JC and I have this gut feeling that I'll be able to take on more responsibilities and be more independent, and the skills we learn will be beneficial in the future, won't they? Arh...so much for a pleasant life as seniors!

As for our "Tonight is what it means to be young" performance today, my emotions are wavering between crushing disappointment and the empty and drained feeling that weighs my heart down (as dear Jolene pointed out). Even if Regina does say that we looked really synchronised, I think we all know that the feeling of bonding and joy of dancing together wasn't there at all. All of a sudden I felt disheartened and doubting if we had what it took to make a spectacular dance group. But later when we danced "Toxic", the "feeling" was so powerful I was bowled over. Just what is causing the fluctuations? *muses in silence

Life is getting more convoluted as time wears on. I'm ageing you guys, no matter how joyful and dynamic I may sometimes appear, and I think we all are too...

Here's a poem/attempted rap I wrote some time ago titled Bedtime Story. It seems quite apt to fit it in here now...:

Last night, before I went to bed
To tell the truth, I felt kind of sick
Life ain't no bedtime story
Wish I could say otherwise, but sorry

Some stuff just seems crazy to me
The water gets murky & it's hard to see
Just try to keep things a little less lively
But what to do, when life ain't no bedtime story...

I'm Back!

2005-01-03T23:59:00.000+08:00

I felt as if today was a truly momentous day to start blogging in here; being the first day of a fresh school year and what Ms Ng calls a landmark year of our lives. To reiterate the point, most of my peers (hi!) are turning 16 not too long after this blog entry, and though I'll take a wee bit (okay, it's not a wee bit) longer I think that's acceptable. Well, at least I think so...

You know what they say? Once is accidence, twice is coincidence and the third time you can be sure that it's too good (or bad) to be true. Or something like that. For those people who've kindly listened to my moaning the entire day, thanks for your listening ears because I'm hoping there will be a brighter side of the coin (so clichéd!) to all this. You guys know what I'm speaking of!

Dancing "Tonight is what it means to be young" made my day really, because it's what I've been waiting the whole day for. After dance camp my perspective of dance has really changed dramatically for the better, and the only regret is that I discovered this wonder a little late. Despite Mr. Raj having yelled at us again, I feel that since we're all working towards a mutual objective, I'm really fine with it. Orientation for the sec 1s are coming up on Wednesday, and I hope that our new batch of sec 1s will turn out the way our last batch are turning out to be...and just not too far back on the road I was watching my seniors dance and wishing I was all grown up like them. Wake up call to myself!

As regards to the tsunami incident that has happened so close to home, I have no comments. Just watching and waiting till I can go over and help. Till then, God bless all victims and survivors, as well as the medical teams and others right there in the midst of all the chaos and destruction, and protect us here in Singapore. Amen.